House of Hawthorne

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I went to the store today and got all of these for free. Do I take aspirin? No. I guess I might start. It’s good for your heart or something, right?

It doesn’t matter, because they were free. And nothing tastes better than free aspirin. Besides free pizza. Or free any actual food, I guess. Free actual food would definitely taste better than free aspirin.

You feel kinda crazy when you coupon. You remember that movie Pi? I don’t really, but it’s like that. If I just keep searching and poring over the coupon websites, I will surely find the perfect combination to unlock enlightenment. Or stock up on ever-precious laundry detergent.

When couponing doesn’t go well, your day is ruined. You probably messed up on the quantity or weight of the item you are buying and you are awkwardly standing at the register saying, “No, that’s not right. Can I return everything? I don’t want these items if they aren’t a quarter.” Which cashiers just love to pieces, obviously. Then you nervously ask for your coupons back and have officially become the world’s most annoying customer. A line forms behind you, she can’t find one of the coupons you used, and you fight back inexplicable tears. So what if five people you don’t know now hate you? I need that coupon back.

I have a coupon master friend who taught me the ways, and we text back and forth about the deals we’ve found. She is going without Internet right now and I can read her panic over possibly missing deals through her texts. It’s an addiction where you possibly mis-spend time. But that’s the only bad side effect, besides maybe almost crying in front of a crowd of people in Dollar General. When it works, you feel like pointing and shouting “In your face, you suckers!” at everyone paying full price for toothpaste.

But you don’t, because you don’t want to be banned from CVS. It would be unseemly. And jeopardize so many couponing opportunities.

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I just tried to walk into this church because I feel like I’m going a little crazy lately. All the doors were locked so I’m  walking around trying everyone and starting to cry a little because I’m getting so frustrated. I’m just craving some peace and quiet for my mind for even a moment. All of a sudden, right behind me, a huge chunk of ice fell from three stories above. Like if I was walking any slower I would have been laid out flat on the ground. I laughed, not a loud burst, but enough to stop crying, and looked up into the sky. “What, dude?” I asked.

I for sure don’t know the answer to the question but sometimes you gotta remember that you’re still conscious and breathing and in this world and that’s a blessing in itself.

While I’m still getting this up and running, I want to be able to give some time to it. If you like what you’ve read so far,


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If you donate, you can suggest something for me to blog. An album to review, a story you want to hear, or if you miss my radio show, I’ll do some of that! Blogging will get cut way short otherwise, not to blackmail my friends. This is a shot in the dark but here we go. Thank you in advance.

I keep secrets from everyone I know no matter who you are. Here’s some truths though:

I have to rehearse conversations all the time. I literally cannot answer phone calls on the first go. If I do, you are on some real inner circle shit.

I don’t understand messy or how to take care of money or like basically anything. I don’t know why. I think about it a lot but can’t execute for some reason. It is the most important thing in the world for me to figure out because I need to be a good woman to my man.

All the things I say I’m good at, (writing, hosting radio shows, partying, making everyone like me, singing but I’m not that good) don’t pay shit. Unless you are the best ever and who is? I’m just okay.

I have always worked, ever since I was 12.

The finest moment in my life was hosting a Model Senate for high schools in Baltimore County. Jessica and I killed that shit.

I should go to sleep.

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I was working until 1 a.m. on New Year’s Eve and at about 11 a.m. a woman who I never will forgive said to the person she was currently on the phone with, “You know, they say what you’re doing at midnight on New Year’s Eve is what you’ll be doing the rest of the year.” “Oh my God, please don’t say that.” She looked up and registered me as a human being and laughed into the phone, “Haha, this girl working at the gas station right now just told me not to say that, haha.” “Have a great night and happy new year,” I said, meanly. Okay, maybe not meanly. I’m a customer service pro.

Ever since she said that, it’s been spinning around my mind. (Be careful what you say to strangers, they may be terribly prone to overthinking.) Last year on New Year’s at midnight, I was exactly where I wanted to be, kissing my boyfriend. Not some big romantic kiss, and it turns out he may or may not remember it, but it was very much emblematic of 2013. True, we didn’t just kiss all last year, despite my very concerted efforts. But it set a good, solid tone, at least for me.

I really am grateful to have a job, don’t get me wrong. Eating food is cool. It really is. I kinda just want a New Year’s Eve re-do, even though I know there’s nothing magical about that particular minute. And I really must say if that lady hadn’t said that, I wouldn’t still be thinking about it, and may have not made some of the tiny steps I have since to get something else going in my life. So as mad as she made me at the time, hopefully I’ll end up thanking her. Just seriously, please be careful what you say to strangers, you really might be talking to the world’s biggest worrier.

I hope your 2014 is magical.

I’ve been quitting drinking, you see. I say it like that instead of “I quit drinking” because it is a daily struggle and one that feels way too fresh. I never thought it would be this hard or that so many of my thoughts would turn to alcohol during the day. Those funny little alcoholic thoughts pop up constantly. I tell people about them, I try to joke about them, as if being an alcoholic is funny. They laugh because I am funny, I hope, and probably so strange and honest sometimes these days no one knows how to react.

It’s been a lonely time. Well, not lonely, because I feel I have been supported by my people. I have almost purposely isolated myself. I have friends that don’t drink, and friends that drink that I can hang out with sober, but by and large, everyone in my life has seen me drunk. I have crawled into myself somewhat, because I am afraid of that person.

I’m also afraid of what happens if I’m never that person again. I almost always felt a switch turn on when I started drinking. I forgot to be afraid of being awkward or shy, and could really be “on” and well-liked and attractive. I can flip that switch sober, but it feels so much harder. That’s probably why my jokes have gotten so weird and too real lately. I am trying to find a way to become the person I want to be – charismatic, charming, and delightful – all the time, without the drinking.

It’s hard to be this idea I have of my best self, the one that will please everyone, and I’ve been shutting down and hiding from people. I’ve been going to the gym 6-8 times a week to tire myself out at the end of the day so I don’t go to a bar, but also definitely so I can be in control of something I can make better about myself besides not drinking. Everyone says that it’s a good way to re-focus my energy, and that’s true. I feel that in every part of my body, and sometimes, even my mind.

I am missing the part of my life that came with days like today when I drank, the camaraderie and the laughter. That’s something I’ll have to deal with and replace with something that can fill that void, I know, if I’m even going to have a chance at staying sober. I haven’t been enjoying myself, nor am I liking who I am very much, partly because I feel so boring, and I don’t know how to fix that part of my brain. I don’t know how to feel good enough just being me.

Aye, there’s the rub.


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