House of Hawthorne

Note to Self: Unmedicated Mornings

Posted on: October 7, 2015

Lately

We sway side by side, head cheek to cheek. He stops. I look up, frowning. He says, “It’s almost like we’re dancing!” I don’t respond. “Smile, motherfucker,” he says, trying to lighten my mood and failing today. He kisses me on my forehead.

Everything’s good and I’m miserable. I force myself through the motions of preparing our lunches. I throw as much as possible in his lunch box and leave little for myself, pretending that I’m not going to eat so much today. He reminds me to walk the dog before we leave for the day, and I do. The best days are when we wake up and he reaches for me or when I don’t spill or drop something. It also helps if I leave myself a little time to scratch the dog’s ears and tell her to have a good day. She looks up at me and I try to imagine that she is telling me, “I love you, Mom.”

A Year Ago

This morning, Austin comes to give me his “I’m going to work” kiss. I reach up and grab his neck like I do. He’s been flash-burned from welding yesterday, says so, and tears immediately come to my eyes because I hate the idea of causing him pain, and he just keeps repeating, “It’s okay! It’s okay.” Not frustrated, even though he’s gotta be in terrible pain. Ruby flops over on her back next to me and he rubs her belly, saying, “Ruby wants her belly rubbed, doesn’t she?”

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1 Response to "Note to Self: Unmedicated Mornings"

Keep blogging, my dear friend. I love these little snapshot moments about your lives, Ruby included. And you’re still wonderful if you spill or drop something. And if you’re miserable, I’m always a text away.

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