House of Hawthorne

What It Means To Coupon

Posted on: June 24, 2014


I went to the store today and got all of these for free. Do I take aspirin? No. I guess I might start. It’s good for your heart or something, right?

It doesn’t matter, because they were free. And nothing tastes better than free aspirin. Besides free pizza. Or free any actual food, I guess. Free actual food would definitely taste better than free aspirin.

You feel kinda crazy when you coupon. You remember that movie Pi? I don’t really, but it’s like that. If I just keep searching and poring over the coupon websites, I will surely find the perfect combination to unlock enlightenment. Or stock up on ever-precious laundry detergent.

When couponing doesn’t go well, your day is ruined. You probably messed up on the quantity or weight of the item you are buying and you are awkwardly standing at the register saying, “No, that’s not right. Can I return everything? I don’t want these items if they aren’t a quarter.” Which cashiers just love to pieces, obviously. Then you nervously ask for your coupons back and have officially become the world’s most annoying customer. A line forms behind you, she can’t find one of the coupons you used, and you fight back inexplicable tears. So what if five people you don’t know now hate you? I need that coupon back.

I have a coupon master friend who taught me the ways, and we text back and forth about the deals we’ve found. She is going without Internet right now and I can read her panic over possibly missing deals through her texts. It’s an addiction where you possibly mis-spend time. But that’s the only bad side effect, besides maybe almost crying in front of a crowd of people in Dollar General. When it works, you feel like pointing and shouting “In your face, you suckers!” at everyone paying full price for toothpaste.

But you don’t, because you don’t want to be banned from CVS. It would be unseemly. And jeopardize so many couponing opportunities.


2 Responses to "What It Means To Coupon"

Bwahahaha I love it!

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