House of Hawthorne

Hey Your Dog Just Scratched Me In The Eye and I Might Eat Her Today

Posted on: January 22, 2014


We have a puppy and I have a confession to make: I have threatened repeatedly to eat her. “Oh yeah, Ruby ran off today but I caught and boiled this squirrel for dinner.” (Are we boiling squirrels these days? Or perhaps deep frying in some peanut oil Duck Dynasty-style.)

When she and I are alone in the house, all we do is yell at each other. Well, she barks, but it sounds like yelling. Or maybe I start barking. She’ll bite me in the eye, like she just did, spurring this blog. (I think she knows I’m telling all of you all of this, she’s doing some rare hiding.) I absolutely can’t walk around the house without her teeth clenched in my ankles, dragging her along. I am a pretty bad housekeeper already but when I go to sweep up the house she’s there, barking, taunting me. “You think that’s sweeping? You suck at everything. Can’t even sweep. Missed a spot, jerk.” (Okay, I might be transferring my insecurities to a puppy just terrified of a broom here. Maybe.)

I spend my days off being terrorized by this little thing, and so when I work and my boyfriend is off, I come home, ready for an update on the monster. “She laid on that blanket for a while… I dunno, I didn’t see her for a few hours.” What the hey? Where’s the monster? It’s going to look super crazy if I eat the puppy if he thinks she just chills all the time. He’ll send me pictures of her just sleeping. Like… not biting him at all. Just sleeping. We can’t decide whose dog it is because she’s a completely different person around each of us. (Did I say person?)

This is probably my fault. My attempts at disciplining the puppy are laughable. “You old rascal!” I say, shaking my fists, as my boyfriend points out that she’s like two months old and I just called her old for some reason. When I’m the angriest I’ve ever felt, I throw whatever is near at her. She blithely dodges it, turns on a dime and goes back to barking at me.

I’ve decided that eating the puppy would be untoward. First of all, she’s like super tiny. Where’s the meat, you know what I’m saying? Second of all, she does this thing when I come home where she wiggles her butt. It’s ridiculously adorable. Sometimes I step outside on the porch, count to ten, and come back in the house to see this wiggle. Also, I love running with her. I don’t do it often enough, I admit, but when she moves, she moves at full speed. She gets low to the ground and starts looking like a miniature greyhound. I end up running and laughing every time we go outside, and there are few better feelings in the world than both running and laughing. Sometimes I just have to be patient and have her bite me for a half an hour when I get home from work late at night so I can have her sleep on my stomach, and that is somehow worth it. I guess I won’t eat her today either.

Especially now that I blogged about it, it would be awfully fishy.

Help send Ruby to college or buy her a treat:



1 Response to "Hey Your Dog Just Scratched Me In The Eye and I Might Eat Her Today"

Very cute 🙂

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