House of Hawthorne

On A Saturday

Posted on: May 18, 2013

I’ve been quitting drinking, you see. I say it like that instead of “I quit drinking” because it is a daily struggle and one that feels way too fresh. I never thought it would be this hard or that so many of my thoughts would turn to alcohol during the day. Those funny little alcoholic thoughts pop up constantly. I tell people about them, I try to joke about them, as if being an alcoholic is funny. They laugh because I am funny, I hope, and probably so strange and honest sometimes these days no one knows how to react.

It’s been a lonely time. Well, not lonely, because I feel I have been supported by my people. I have almost purposely isolated myself. I have friends that don’t drink, and friends that drink that I can hang out with sober, but by and large, everyone in my life has seen me drunk. I have crawled into myself somewhat, because I am afraid of that person.

I’m also afraid of what happens if I’m never that person again. I almost always felt a switch turn on when I started drinking. I forgot to be afraid of being awkward or shy, and could really be “on” and well-liked and attractive. I can flip that switch sober, but it feels so much harder. That’s probably why my jokes have gotten so weird and too real lately. I am trying to find a way to become the person I want to be – charismatic, charming, and delightful – all the time, without the drinking.

It’s hard to be this idea I have of my best self, the one that will please everyone, and I’ve been shutting down and hiding from people. I’ve been going to the gym 6-8 times a week to tire myself out at the end of the day so I don’t go to a bar, but also definitely so I can be in control of something I can make better about myself besides not drinking. Everyone says that it’s a good way to re-focus my energy, and that’s true. I feel that in every part of my body, and sometimes, even my mind.

I am missing the part of my life that came with days like today when I drank, the camaraderie and the laughter. That’s something I’ll have to deal with and replace with something that can fill that void, I know, if I’m even going to have a chance at staying sober. I haven’t been enjoying myself, nor am I liking who I am very much, partly because I feel so boring, and I don’t know how to fix that part of my brain. I don’t know how to feel good enough just being me.

Aye, there’s the rub.

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3 Responses to "On A Saturday"

Drinking does nothing except make you who you always were but are afraid to be sober. Learn to love you no matter what and then you can change your relationship with alcohol.

Sounds like a good plan! I’m hopping to it.

I found that if I’m at the bar, I can resist drinking alcohol, if I am drinking something else. So maybe try always drinking on cranberry juice, or soda, or even water. The camaraderie and the laughter will still be there even if you are sober. I’m happy that you are making changes in your life, and that you are making these changes because you feel that they are best for you. Do what is best for you, always. I’m always going to be there to support you, no matter what. Love ya mucho! 🙂

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