House of Hawthorne

This is My Girl, Jillian Michaels.

Posted on: September 15, 2011

I haven’t posted since my last Jillian Michaels post, it turns out. I thought I had blogging writers’ block but perhaps I have just been hypnotized by one Ms. Michaels. I stopped doing her workouts last week, because I was beginning to say the words for No More Trouble Zones along with her. I did that workout ten times, the last one of which I actually replaced the audio entirely with another popular topic on this blog, you’ve guessed it, Jay-Z and Kanye’s Watch the Throne. I have to say, though, I was feeling much more fit all around. After a week of feeling like a lug, not being able to blog about anything at all, and realizing my favorite song on The Carter IV is “How to Love,” (yikes, Lil Wayne) I needed to go back to the source of my last blog.

I picked a different DVD of hers to try out, Banish Fat, Boost Metabolism. I was intrigued by the DVD cover copy suggesting to couple this with No More Trouble Zones. I can see how they would go exceedingly well together, and how if you did both of them in tandem you would end up with the sick bodies of her “girls” Kristen and Salima. (As in, “This is my girl Kristen, and this is my other girl, Salima,” which for some reason rubs me the wrong way.) Having practically memorized the entire script for the first DVD I used, I was expecting her to be exceedingly complimentary of these women, while still kind of jerky to them. It helps to ease the discomfort you feel while experiencing their physical gifts.

Actually, I far preferred the sidekicks in this DVD to the previous one. (Sidekicks as in the girls doing the exercises with her! Not side kicks. Ha ha. Oof.) Same girls, basically the same outfits, but it at least appeared that they were sweating. I appreciated very much when young and doe-eyed Kristen got up from exemplifying a mother of a plank workout and her lovely ponytail was actually… wet! From exertion. What a treat. And further, in NMTZ (I’m on acronym-status with your DVDs, Jillian), Salima couldn’t stop smiling. I participated and watched that DVD enough that I noticed at some point during the final stretches of that, she let the smile go for a second and it always made me think, dude, relax, this is the part we’re done, this is the part you smile, you maniac. But in BFBM, she actually stopped smiling for full eight-counts. It was great to see her mood slightly compromised. I really harbor no ill feelings towards these women. I doubt that we’d have fantastic conversations if I ran into them at, like, I don’t know, a fitness rally, or whatever they normally do in their actual lives, but they are cool with me.

Jillian was again properly motivating in this DVD. Seriously, the whole time with this one you are just digging deep and waiting with your limbs flailing around (just kidding, that’s not proper form!) until she comes in with the countdown. There has never been any words I’ve been happier to hear than her saying “And just two more” in my life while doing a walking plank. Or the frigging standing mountain climbers. There are two bones I need to pick with my girl, Jillian, though. One, she has at least four “favorite” moves. In fact, you can tell how the gnarliest particular moves because she says, “Time for my favorite!” I always groan when I hear those words. If you say burpies are your favorite exercise move, you are a jerk, sorry, Jillian. You’re just mean. I mean, I appreciate it, because you are whipping me into better shape, but you are a jerk.

The other bone I need to pick concerns a specific move in the workout. In circuit five, the second move is uppercuts. It’s basically the punch you use if someone is looking down at you from scaffolding, right? The second time around, she says something to the effect of, “Now be serious, this is a fighting move, don’t phone it in, blah blah.” I always get distracted at this point because Kristen and Salima get real serious faces on, and I am just punching in the air wondering, who in God’s name will I ever fight like this? “Just keep leaning down from that ledge! I’m going to teach you many lessons in your face! Don’t move!”

This DVD is another good one, though. I wonder who is using the two DVDs in tandem and how frequently. Are there other Jillian Michaels-similar women jerks doing both No More Trouble Zones and Banish Fat, Boost Metabolism five times a week? I bet you have really sick bods, congratulations, you jerks.

I promise to blog about not-Jillian Michaels again soon. And stop calling other women jerks.


4 Responses to "This is My Girl, Jillian Michaels."

.”..and I am just punching in the air wondering, who in God’s name will I ever fight like this? ”

Another golden post!!! Love it, Virginia.

Hahahaha! I was laughing through your post because I think a lot of the same things when I workout to her videos. I have 5 of her dvds that I work out to. I am the type that needs to switch things up because I’ll get bored so I need a variety… I love her dvds because they are doable for me but I always end with a drenched shirt, breathless, and hopeful that someday I’ll look like her “side kicks”. I can definitely feel myself getting stronger because each time I can accomplish more and more on each workout.

great piece! you made me laugh. i also vary her workouts and have a few of them. she really makes me feel like i am in training with her, although of course she won’t just pop out of my tv to show me proper form. i love what you wrote about “my girls”! so funny and true. they are always smiling and are so frigging flexible. but it’s a great motivator for me as i’m sure they weren’t always so fit and firm. jillian is one of a kind. she really does deliver what she says she will, as long as you focus and really give her “all you got! leave it all behind!” as she says in her kickboxing (quick fix).

Glad you liked it! Thank you!

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