House of Hawthorne

Beware: Jillian Michaels DVDs May Cause Slightly Sore Smugness.

Posted on: August 23, 2011

I’ve been working out, man, for a year now. I’ve lost some weight, and people ask me how I’ve done it. I say, “I work out.” It’s so simple as to be mind-blowing. It’s hard to stay motivated every day, only just recently, for whatever reason. Well, actually, I know the reason. When I run, I like to run on treadmills. I don’t know why I can’t get myself to run outside. I will do laps when I play basketball, that’s true. The treadmill in the workout room in my apartment complex has been the most impactful yet vexing object I’ve used in the past year for sure. For a couple months, it worked okay, but I was running pretty much every day. Then it just stopped going past 5 km/hour, which is slow. Then if you jacked up the incline, it stopped completely. Now it just stops if you step on it. I’ve never complained about anything before, let alone the six times I have to the building management about this treadmill. The problem is there’s this red herring broken treadmill, so they play this game like “Oh, yeah, we know, it’s broken,” and I have to ask, “Which one are you talking about? Because they are both broken. Don’t play this red herring broken treadmill game again, you villains!”

I’ve been using the exercise bike in the workout room, but I don’t know. Maybe it was riding bikes with my little sisters in Minneapolis a few weeks ago. I fell down twice up there, somehow. Maybe I’m suffering from a case of the ol’ Clumsy Flashbacks? I’ve been completely unmotivated to workout on the damn bike. I’ve been working out the last week or two way less than normal and felt like a big schmuck basically. If you don’t work out and feel like any kind of a schmuck for that reason, try working out for a year and then just not. Your weight loss and health gains flash before your eyes, I tell you. And I apologize in advance if any of this sounds like bragging, I really just am legitimately trying to stay as young and get as vivrant (sic Q-Tip) as possible for as long as possible.

The point is that last night I tried something new, an exercise DVD. I’ve got this copy of a Tae-Bo workout in my possession, but Billy Blanks eye in it is seriously jacked and distracting. I kept trying to get through that but I mean:

Billy Blanks' wonky eye.

That picture looks even better than the video that I have, it looks like somebody punched him in his lazy eye. I can’t focus on my fitness when someone’s eye is bleeding, I just can’t.

At any rate, I checked out this Jillian Michaels’ DVD No More Trouble Zones, and as I Tweeted/Facebooked, she scares me. I went through all the fitness DVDs and there was basically Jillian Michaels DVDs, yoga for pregnancy DVDs or the Situation’s abs workout DVD. I still am shocked and befuddled by the fact that my library purchased the Situation’s abs workout DVD. I took a chance on my fear over what would surely be a low-impact workout (yoga for pregnancy) or disgust (the other guy). I was so delightfully surprised! She didn’t yell at me at all for being a slacker these last couple weeks. She didn’t scream, “You’ll never have my abs!” as I was expecting. She was actually pretty nice to me, offering non-judgmental less intense versions for workouts and complimenting me on my form, albeit without seeing my form. I have to admit, the workout was intense, but the circuit training aspect where I only had to do a certain amount until she said “And two more!” kept me going the whole 55 or so minutes. It was great. I liked it a lot better than the Jackie Warner DVD I had checked out, because Jillian just seems less… condescending for some reason.

Today, I’m slightly sore, but luckily, also delightfully smug. Jose even said, “Man you love that Jillian Michaels, don’t you?” and I realized I’d been talking about it too much. Sorry, world, specifically, Jose. The point is I recommend it. And working out in general. And Watch the Throne. Crap, I thought I wasn’t going to talk about the Jay-Z/Kanye West album as much anymore.

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2 Responses to "Beware: Jillian Michaels DVDs May Cause Slightly Sore Smugness."

This made me laugh out loud!! Red-herring treadmills, Billy Blanks’ wonky eye, and a surprisingly empathic Jillian Michaels. Wow! I’m glad she didn’t yell, “You’ll have my abs!!”– but I enjoyed giggling whilst reading it. 😉

[…] DVDs. Sometimes it’s great, and you end up with a new best friend like Jillian Michaels! (see here) Other times, like yesterday, you find yourself in black hole of time, more popularly known as the […]

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