House of Hawthorne

I worry my dunking window was never open.

Posted on: August 2, 2011

I have been working on my jump shot. Mostly this entails me missing a lot of shots and making myself run a lap if the shot I just missed was either ill-advised or particularly selfish. Since I can’t get anyone to hoop with me, all the shots are particularly selfish, so I run a good amount of laps. My jump shot is also returning to form. Look, I’m no Ray Allen, but all that matters when you do something is getting better. I learned that from Kevin Durant’s Twitter, and you know, he is, like, really good at basketball.

If ever I mention that I’m playing basketball sometimes, maybe to take some of the sting out of not being able to find anyone to play with exactly, I make some kind of jokey reference to “getting ready for my tryout.” As if some point I’ll be trying out for the WNBA. I really am not that good. My field goal percentage, even undefended, is weak. Apparently in 8th grade I was good at reading passing lanes but I think my dad may have just been being kind.

The last time I was out there hooping I had made an especially motivational playlist. Fueled by endorphins and hitting more free throws than usual, I thought “Why not the WNBA?” I’m tall enough to be a shooting guard or maybe even a small forward. Then it hit me like lightning from the Chicago Sky. If I could dunk at will, I would definitely be able to play professional women’s basketball. Spud Webb montages flying through my head, I leaped in a fit of joy into the air, ball in hand.

I have maybe a seven inch vertical. I have no ups or hops at all. Frustratedly jumping over and over, I saw my highlight reel disappear in front of my eyes. I really seriously doubt I’m ever going to dunk, let alone at will.

This is where you turn to your friends. I related this doomed hopping about to my dear friend Raychul and in fact hopped into the air in front of her. “See?” I cried. “My WNBA career is an impossible dream.” “No way,” she replied. “You just jumped like a foot and a half in the air! You will totally be able to dunk soon.”

I can dunk now! Just believe in your friends. Oh, false. But thanks, buddy.


2 Responses to "I worry my dunking window was never open."

Awesome. I wanted to dunk for many years myself. Sidetracked by severe foot injuries and then severe weight issues by the time I had recovered and finished growing, I never reached this goal. I planned on having a party with a cake and everything. But alas, this was not to be. If I ever get into shape I will most certainly try again. Of course, I may be 40 by the time I slim down enough to not commit ridiculous affrontary to the laws of gravity.

I’m sure you’re going to be able to dunk sometime. And then you can make yourself a dunk cake!

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